Day 1

I want to start blogging daily. There are again so many thoughts whirling around in my head that need to be placed on paper. I find that I always leave blogging to my last resort. Only when I am feeling completely overwhelmed do I start writing down my thoughts.

Things need to change. 

I like my life, but I want better for myself. I want a life that is amazing.

Things that are in the way. Actually, do I have to be super logical? I think what I am scared of most is not living my life to its fullest. There are so many experiences and things to do in life and I seem to be just on a treadmill, slowly trudging along, waiting for death. That is not how my life should be like. I am always saying that my life will begin at another point. But when will it begin?

I have such a weird relationship with my weight now that I think of it. I am so messed up. I should not rely on my weight to mark what sort of day I am having. Nor should I allow binges to happen. It is simply ridiculous. If I want to eat something and I should eat it. If I do not want to eat it. Don’t. Simple as. That is the theory anyway.

Eating should not be a cure to stress. It does not make you feel better. It is a vice and I don’t want to have any vices.

I over-ate as I was I do not even know. Maybe nervous for today and could not sleep. Who knows. And the worse thing is that my self-confidence is so affected by my weight, so eating more because I am worried is then making me fatter, and in turn fueling my self-doubt.

Welcome to my world

I have started and never continued on with many blogs. Something will always happen. The last blog I really liked, but it reminded me too much of my ex-boyfriend, as he was the one who had encouraged me to start writing a blog, and he was subscribed. Once we broke up, I did not want him being able to have a view into my life as it felt too intrusive. So I stopped blogging. That was a year and a half ago. However I miss blogging, I miss having a platform where I can write freely about my thoughts. I used to keep a diary but my perfectionist side hated my ever-changing handwriting style – one day it would be all linked and cursive, the next day it would be exceptionally small and flat. It looked as if there were different people writing in my diary and did not reflect the neatness required. So that is why I don’t tend to write in diaries. Other ways I have tried journal my life or places where I have written my thoughts is through tumblr – I used to have two blogs on there, one private, one public, and then I told my ex about it and once again felt it was no longer my free space. I tried instagram as well, but found it to be too short to write my rambling thoughts, and now I stick very much to putting on photos of my food and running etc with very little text. Also my phone died recently, so I cannot access my instagram at the moment.

Why do I blog?

I find blogging is a nice way to mind dump. Get rid of all those extra thoughts that are tucked away in the corners of the mind. A way to feel freer and therefore allow your mind to devote itself to the important things in life. I spend a lot of time thinking about life and what I want from it. So blogging could be perhaps a way of channelling all those frustrations and desires and helping me transform my wishes into a more concrete form.

I am at the awkward age where I consider myself nearly an adult but not quite. I am still in college, pay my own bills, live on a scholarship, have a part-time job, know how to cook and clean, yet still turn to Bank Mom when I have budgeted badly and my account is in red. I also have five months left of college and after that not a clue what I am doing with my life. I have a few life plans, but nothing solid. Just a great empty vastness facing me. Which excites and scares me. But will talk more about my plans later. This post was just a brief introduction into why I blog.