A few weeks ago, I was having a lot of issues with food and I read an article about how terrible sugar was. This article lead to another article, which lead to another article which lead to me reading about people who had given up sugar cold turkey.
I decided this is what I need. I need to have a little detox. It was only meant to be for three days. Just to cleanse my body, but I felt so much better that after the three days I kept on it.
However, in the early hours of yesterday morning, I was stressed, I could not sleep and some before I knew it I was making pancakes with nutella. You would have thought I would have been able to control myself. Well nope. Not at all. I ate two full jars of it. I then passed out, kept on waking up in the night, having hot sweats and went to my job interview exhausted and in a brain fog. I did not go to any lectures that day. Did not have breakfast and fixed myself a healthy salad for lunch. As I had eaten my flatmate’s nutella, I had to go to the shop and buy some more. Well would you guess, but that night I ate the jar I had just bought. That is when the real side effects kicked in. I fell asleep. But woke up in the middle of the night in so much pain, I wanted to cry. My stomach was nauseous, my head was threatening to explode, my shoulders were aching. Everything hurt. It was awful. Even now as I am writing this, I am feeling still really sick.
I never want to touch it again.
I want to start blogging daily. There are again so many thoughts whirling around in my head that need to be placed on paper. I find that I always leave blogging to my last resort. Only when I am feeling completely overwhelmed do I start writing down my thoughts.
Things need to change.
I like my life, but I want better for myself. I want a life that is amazing.
Things that are in the way. Actually, do I have to be super logical? I think what I am scared of most is not living my life to its fullest. There are so many experiences and things to do in life and I seem to be just on a treadmill, slowly trudging along, waiting for death. That is not how my life should be like. I am always saying that my life will begin at another point. But when will it begin?
I have such a weird relationship with my weight now that I think of it. I am so messed up. I should not rely on my weight to mark what sort of day I am having. Nor should I allow binges to happen. It is simply ridiculous. If I want to eat something and I should eat it. If I do not want to eat it. Don’t. Simple as. That is the theory anyway.
Eating should not be a cure to stress. It does not make you feel better. It is a vice and I don’t want to have any vices.
I over-ate as I was I do not even know. Maybe nervous for today and could not sleep. Who knows. And the worse thing is that my self-confidence is so affected by my weight, so eating more because I am worried is then making me fatter, and in turn fueling my self-doubt.
My Goal for this year is to be absolutely, undeniably, unbelievably happy.
- Make three people smile every day
- Blog daily using prompts or just my random thoughts
- Kayla workout
- Try meditation
- Book flights to America
- Eat every 4 hours
- Read more books
- Set five tasks daily to do
- Gratitude diary
Every year this new year new me bullshit comes out, and every year I resolved I would lose that weight. I broke down losing weight into two things:
- Eating a certain amount of calories
- Working out
2015 came and went and I set the same old goal, and although I struggled very much so, this is the first year, where I managed to keep the resolve of working out. I worked out on average 3 times a week last year, most weeks compromising of every day workouts bar Sundays, and then a few weeks, where I had to recover from a surgery and also a few weeks of laziness, where I did nada.
That was my most successful goal. Exercise is now firmly in my life. I am still not the best runner, I struggle to do push-ups sometimes, but I can run 10km – with little walking breaks – and can do burpees like a beast, and that is a load better than I was able to do this time last year.
I travel. That is my hobby. Annoying hobby it is. The reasons for this is that it is not something I can indulge in daily. It is simply something I can do every so often.
However, I do try and indulge in travelling every day. Even something small like taking a different route to my destination. In that way I may stumble upon a cute boutique, or a cosy looking coffee shop.
And that is how I indulge myself in travelling.
Another thing I am passionate about it photography or perhaps the land or the moment I am trying to capture. The experience and emotions contained in pixels. That is what I love about photos.
I also love the different way of life. The way people go about their lives differently in different countries. I love to live in the country, experience the country as the locals do. Eat as the locals, drink like the locals and live my life like the locals. This is not so easy to do, but I do try.
This blog will be an attempt to capture all the above.
I have started and never continued on with many blogs. Something will always happen. The last blog I really liked, but it reminded me too much of my ex-boyfriend, as he was the one who had encouraged me to start writing a blog, and he was subscribed. Once we broke up, I did not want him being able to have a view into my life as it felt too intrusive. So I stopped blogging. That was a year and a half ago. However I miss blogging, I miss having a platform where I can write freely about my thoughts. I used to keep a diary but my perfectionist side hated my ever-changing handwriting style – one day it would be all linked and cursive, the next day it would be exceptionally small and flat. It looked as if there were different people writing in my diary and did not reflect the neatness required. So that is why I don’t tend to write in diaries. Other ways I have tried journal my life or places where I have written my thoughts is through tumblr – I used to have two blogs on there, one private, one public, and then I told my ex about it and once again felt it was no longer my free space. I tried instagram as well, but found it to be too short to write my rambling thoughts, and now I stick very much to putting on photos of my food and running etc with very little text. Also my phone died recently, so I cannot access my instagram at the moment.
Why do I blog?
I find blogging is a nice way to mind dump. Get rid of all those extra thoughts that are tucked away in the corners of the mind. A way to feel freer and therefore allow your mind to devote itself to the important things in life. I spend a lot of time thinking about life and what I want from it. So blogging could be perhaps a way of channelling all those frustrations and desires and helping me transform my wishes into a more concrete form.
I am at the awkward age where I consider myself nearly an adult but not quite. I am still in college, pay my own bills, live on a scholarship, have a part-time job, know how to cook and clean, yet still turn to Bank Mom when I have budgeted badly and my account is in red. I also have five months left of college and after that not a clue what I am doing with my life. I have a few life plans, but nothing solid. Just a great empty vastness facing me. Which excites and scares me. But will talk more about my plans later. This post was just a brief introduction into why I blog.