A few weeks ago, I was having a lot of issues with food and I read an article about how terrible sugar was. This article lead to another article, which lead to another article which lead to me reading about people who had given up sugar cold turkey.
I decided this is what I need. I need to have a little detox. It was only meant to be for three days. Just to cleanse my body, but I felt so much better that after the three days I kept on it.
However, in the early hours of yesterday morning, I was stressed, I could not sleep and some before I knew it I was making pancakes with nutella. You would have thought I would have been able to control myself. Well nope. Not at all. I ate two full jars of it. I then passed out, kept on waking up in the night, having hot sweats and went to my job interview exhausted and in a brain fog. I did not go to any lectures that day. Did not have breakfast and fixed myself a healthy salad for lunch. As I had eaten my flatmate’s nutella, I had to go to the shop and buy some more. Well would you guess, but that night I ate the jar I had just bought. That is when the real side effects kicked in. I fell asleep. But woke up in the middle of the night in so much pain, I wanted to cry. My stomach was nauseous, my head was threatening to explode, my shoulders were aching. Everything hurt. It was awful. Even now as I am writing this, I am feeling still really sick.
I never want to touch it again.
I want to start blogging daily. There are again so many thoughts whirling around in my head that need to be placed on paper. I find that I always leave blogging to my last resort. Only when I am feeling completely overwhelmed do I start writing down my thoughts.
Things need to change.
I like my life, but I want better for myself. I want a life that is amazing.
Things that are in the way. Actually, do I have to be super logical? I think what I am scared of most is not living my life to its fullest. There are so many experiences and things to do in life and I seem to be just on a treadmill, slowly trudging along, waiting for death. That is not how my life should be like. I am always saying that my life will begin at another point. But when will it begin?
I have such a weird relationship with my weight now that I think of it. I am so messed up. I should not rely on my weight to mark what sort of day I am having. Nor should I allow binges to happen. It is simply ridiculous. If I want to eat something and I should eat it. If I do not want to eat it. Don’t. Simple as. That is the theory anyway.
Eating should not be a cure to stress. It does not make you feel better. It is a vice and I don’t want to have any vices.
I over-ate as I was I do not even know. Maybe nervous for today and could not sleep. Who knows. And the worse thing is that my self-confidence is so affected by my weight, so eating more because I am worried is then making me fatter, and in turn fueling my self-doubt.